Contents may have shifted during flight

I never believed it when people told me. Typically in conversation it came up in the form of age decades. Just wait until the 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Specifically the comments were around the female body and the inevitable changes. When I was in my 20s, the caution often presented itself something like this, "Oh honey, you are in your 20s. Just wait. (Insert evil laugh here.)"

It is happening. And I am fully aware it is just the beginning.

For some women it is their flapping-in-the-wind upper arms, or "angel wings". For others, it is the tummy area, it pooches and protrudes. Many women complain about their chests, too small, too large, too much sagging. And the thighs, don't get me started on my life long ailments there. In most cases, the thought that crosses the victim's mind is, "I am not quite sure how this got there because just a few months ago it was right there and that was where it was supposed to be and now it won't go back. How did this happen?" Honestly, it is perplexing.

For me, I certainly have my moments in all of the aforementioned areas. But the current issue is just that - the butt. In most cases, unless you are in your teens or younger, there is a fine line between defining a person's upper thigh and where the butt actually begins. In my case, the fine line just keeps getting fuzzier and fuzzier. I can do every cardio-crazy, resistance-weights, leg-lift, bun-tightening freaking activity that I can think of and nothing seems to define that line. That is why I now affectionately call this area of my body my thass.

The only answer I have to this issue at hand, the thass that is, is this: DENIM. Denim is kind to the thass. Denim tightens, lifts and smoothes. I am currently wearing jeans as much as possible in order to benefit from denim's special effects genius.

So I guess I just have to face it. This airplane is in flight and not getting any younger. Can somebody get me some duct tape? Oh, and while you are at it can you please make some bike shorts that don't make my thighs pucker and that smooth my thass?